Topic: Official 4BangerJP Joke Thread

[TrailsLessTaken]

The North Dakota Department of government offices claimed a small  Bismarck farmer was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

ND Govt employee:  I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.

Farmer:  Well, there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years.  I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.  Then there's the mentally challenged worker.  He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.  He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life.  He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.

ND Govt employee:  That's the guy I want to talk to ... the mentally challenged one.

Farmer:  That would be me.

[FourbangerYJ]

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump.."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money.

[Dylan]

Blondes Explaining Easter

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they
could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented.

The first blonde, a Canadian, said "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give
thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and wouldn't let her in.

The second blonde, a Brit, said "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus's birth and exchange gifts."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he wouldn't let her in either.

The third blonde, an American, said she knew what Easter was, and St.Peter said, "So, tell me."

She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus
was having Passover feast with his disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans
arrested him. The Romans hung him on the cross and eventually he died. Then they buried him
in a tomb behind a very large boulder ... "

St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good..."

Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out.
If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of football."

[TrailsLessTaken]

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
 
The IRS auditor was not  surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
 
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
 
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
 
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
 
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
 
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
 
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
 
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
 
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
 
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
 
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
 
'Want to go double or nothing?'  Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that waste basket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
 
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
 
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
 
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
 
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
 
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
 
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when my client told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!

[95yjman]

haha 

[jramey]

An elder couple decided to go on vacation to the holy land
While therer the wife suffered and unexpected death
The undertaker visits with the man and says that for $1000 dollars they can send the body back to the states or for $100 he can have the body buried in the holy land

Man "i will have the body sent back to the states
Undertaker " ok but out of curiosity why not save your money and have her burie# here in the holy land"
Man " well honestly i would, but the last person i know buried here rose again in three days, im not willing to take that chance!"

[jramey]

a man walks into walgreens and looked lost so the cashier walked up to him and asked if she could help him

man "yes, could you tell me which isle has the tampons?'

cashier "its down on isle 4 sir."

the cashier returns back to the register and after a bit the man comes up to check out. he handed the cashier a role of yarn and cotton swabs, the cashier was kinda curious so she ask him "sorry to ask sir but wasnt you looking for tampons?", the man replied "well its goes like this, the other day i asked my wife to pick me up a carton of cigarettes and she brought me back a pouch of tobacco and papers and said its cheaper this way, this outa teach her!"

[Nicks92jeeper]

So a man walks into a bar where a robot is serving drinks. The man orders a martini and it is the best martini he has ever tasted. The robot asks the man what his IQ is and the man replies 168. So the robot stars to talk about biology, quantum physics and such with the man.

The man leave but decides to go back and test the bartender. He orders another Martini and it tastes incredible. The robot again asks the man what his IQ is in which he replies 100. The robot proceeds to talk about farming and small business.

The man leaves and decides to test the robot one more time and goes back into the bar and orders the same drink with the same results. The robots again asks the man his IQ in which he replies 70. The robot then asks the man if he is sorry that he voted for Obama yet?

.

[Nicks92jeeper]

How to tell you have OD Green Fever a.k.a. the ‘Jeep Restoration Bug’.

■You look for Jeeps in movies and TV shows and try to identify the model and date of manufacture.
■You set-aside quality time to be spent with your Jeep, and spend more money on it than on your girlfriend.
■You have a replacement part in your garage for every drive component on the Jeep
■Your "Parts Dept." is on blocks behind your house.
■You can be found in the driveway lying under your jeep at 12:50 am
■You want to take things apart and rebuild them, even if they are not broken.
■You complain about everything, but smile when you fix everything yourself.
■Every page of your repair manual has greasy fingerprints.
■You remember part numbers easier than your spouse’s birthday
■You have to fix almost everything yourself because no one has ever worked on a WWII army vehicle.
■You get in your vehicle and are surprised if all of the instruments work.
■You consider starting a vehicle five times in any given minute a routine procedure.
■You can diagnose a "funny" sound coming from the engine compartment and immediately know how much it will cost to fix and exactly what tools you'll need to fix it
■You know a minimum of three long distance numbers to Military Jeep Parts businesses by heart.
■When you have all your credit card numbers memorized
■Your credit card bill usually has more than 6 Jeep related items on it.
■Your wallet is always empty.
■You are constantly broke or soon to be broke.
■You have the monetary equivalent of a Mercedes sedan invested, but your vehicle still looks like it came out of a crate you bought for $50.
■You own a vehicle that weighs 1000 pounds more than when it came off the assembly line because of all the accouterments you’ve added.
■You name your Jeep
■You're constantly getting passed on the highway and don’t mind.
■When you use your ice scraper on the inside of your windshield.
■You get more heat from holes in the floorboards than through the heater vents.  Heater vents… What heater vents?
■Radio... what radio?

[jwalls4x4]

Ok not a joke, but:

Mom and Dad come over.

They are sitting in the living room chatting with me.

My cat is playing with his new toy, my dad's cane.

Mom farts.

The cat and runs out of the room like his life depended on it.

We 

untill we

The end.

[jfrabat]

I got sent this one on a mail today...

This conversation was overheard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai. It's too good not to pass along. The conversation went something like this...

Air Defense Radar: "Unknown aircraft at (location unknown), you are in Iranian airspace. Identify
yourself."

Aircraft: "This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace."

Air Defense Radar: "You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!"

Aircraft: "This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up .. I'll wait!"

Air Defense Radar: (no response ... total silence).

[jwalls4x4]

I like that one 

USMC:   
Iranian Air Defense:    

[tablesaw]

  A guy just finished skydiver training and is making his first solo jump. After a short freefall he pulls the d-ring and nothing happens. He tries the reserve and same thing, no chute. Starting to panic and getting closer to the ground, he sees someone coming up at him from the ground. As they pass in mid-air he yells "Hey!, you know anything about parachutes?" The other guy yells "No!, you know anything about gas heaters?"

[Mozman68]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[sharpxmen]

that's funny, good one.