Topic: Official 4BangerJP Joke Thread

[jfrabat]

Here are some classics and some of my favorite all-time internet jokes:

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Brick Layer's Accident Report

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in
Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the
cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust
the following details will be sufficient:

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was
working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I
completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when
weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the
bricks down by hand, I decided to lowe r them in a barrel by using a
pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth
floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the
barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied
the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs
of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight
is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I
lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to
say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the
vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding
downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured
skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section
3 of the accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping
until the finge rs of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the
pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was
able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I
was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
ground, and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the
weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer
you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent
down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I
met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles,
broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel
seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the
pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks,
in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories
above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of
the rope...
 
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Inexperienced Chili Tester
Notes from an inexperienced Chili tester named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently I was honored to be selected a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, wht the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

CHILI #1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Chili

Judge One: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge Two: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Frank: Holy cow, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

Judge One: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

Judge Two: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Frank: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI #3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge One: Excellent firehouse chili. Great Kick.

Judge Two: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Frank: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting drain cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now - get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting stupid from all the beer.

CHILI #4: Bubba's Black Magic

Judge One: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge Two: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Frank: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; coyote-ugly gal is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI #5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

Judge One: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge Two: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Frank: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. To heck with those rednecks!

CHILI #6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge One: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

Judge Two: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Frank: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous sulfuric flames. I messed in my pants when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone!

CHILI #7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge One: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge Two: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Frank: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like turds to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI #8: Lester's Last of the Red-Hot Lover's Chili

Judge One: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.

Judge Two: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild or hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it.
Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?

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Real Insurance Reports

The following was published by an insurance company for internal distribution. These reports were submitted when policy-holders were asked for a brief statement describing their particular accident. An Ann Landers reader sent them in from Raleigh, N.C.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

I thought my window was down but found it was up when I put my hand through it.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the place. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

The accident occured when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.

I was driving my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.

I was on my way to the doctor's with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.

As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.

When I saw I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran him over.

I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

[TrailsLessTaken]

Redneck Man's pick up lines..

1) Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea .
I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.

Man - 'Fat Penguin!'
Woman - 'WHAT?'
Man - 'I just wanted to say something that would break
the ice .'

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room.

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.


 Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby.
                     Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
                 When mother and new baby came home from the hospital,
                   Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
             Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a Talk
                   with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
 
              His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything
              about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he
              would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
                 Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
               When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful
                                         baby."
                   The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.
               Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful
              little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes.
                                      Can he see?"
 
               "Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor
                            said he will have 20/20 vision."
 
             "That's great", said Little Johnnie,"'cause he'd be screwed if
                                   he needed glasses" 

[Mozman68]

 

Gotta love that little Johnnie....

[Jesse-James]

A little boy asked his Mom, "How did the human race come about?" The Mom answered, "God made Adam and Eve, they had children and so all mankind was made."

A few days later he asks his Father the same question. The Father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys and we developed from them."

The confused boy returns to his Mom and says, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Dad says we developed from monkeys?" The Mom answers, "Well, son, it is very
simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your Father told you about his side."

[95yjman]

lol nice 

[TrailsLessTaken]

HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell--they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right--a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
 

[jfrabat]

HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell--they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right--a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

THat's a good one! 

[Jeffy]

Authority

Another example of what a little bit of authority will do for people-----

A Department of Water representative stopped at a ranch and talked With an Old rancher.  He told the rancher, 'I need to inspect your Ranch for your water allocation.' The old rancher said, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'
The water representative said, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.  See this badge?   It means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land.  No questions asked or answered.  'Have I made myself clear?  Do you understand?'

The old rancher nodded politely and went about his chores. Later, the old rancher heard loud screams and saw the Water Rep  running for the fence and close behind was the rancher's bull.  The bull was gaining on the Water Rep with every step.  The Rep was clearly terrified, So the old man immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out, 'Your badge! Your badge!  Show him your badge!'

[Jesse-James]

Why I fired my secretary

Two weeks ago, was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went into breakfast, knowing my wife would be pleasant and say Happy Birthday and probably have a present for me.
She didn't even say Good Morning, let alone any Happy Birthday. I said, well, that's wives for you. The children will remember. The children came into breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon. About noon Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go."

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office. Do we?"

I said, "No, I guess not."

She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment, we had another martini and smoked a cigarette and she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."

"Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and in about six minutes, she came out... ... carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife and children. All were singing Happy Birthday.... and there on the couch I sat... . with nothing on but my socks......

[TrailsLessTaken]

  I like that

[TrailsLessTaken]

     GOOD:
                          In Haverhill , a Massachusetts State Trooper was running radar. He had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting any. Then he discovered the problem. A 12 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD!' The officer later found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading, 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money.

                          (Beats a lemonade stand!)



                          - BETTER:
                          A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Bradford , MA . A $40.00 speeding ticket was inc luded. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.00. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.



                          -BEST:
                          A young woman was pulled over in Groveland , MA for speeding. As the MA State Troope r walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, 'I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Massachusetts State Police Ball.' He replied, 'MA State Troopers don't have balls.' There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.  She was laughing too hard to start her car
                   

[jfrabat]

                          A young woman was pulled over in Groveland , MA for speeding. As the MA State Troope r walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, 'I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Massachusetts State Police Ball.' He replied, 'MA State Troopers don't have balls.' There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.  She was laughing too hard to start her car          

She must have been REALLY good looking to get away with that one!

[Jesse-James]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear...'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.' She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several very expensive outfits.

She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.'

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled----'WHAT?'

I then said 'honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial means as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either...............

[Mozman68]

Great one...has been copied and sent around the world.

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Now playing: The Proclaimers - Sunshine On Leith
via FoxyTunes

[jcsanders79]

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