Topic: Official 4BangerJP Joke Thread

[b.hog]

  "T'som 12 an 45 " replied the Indian.Cowboy checked and dead on again.He continued on his was to rest and start his first job telling people about this Indian and his time telling abillities.
 Three days later him and cattle in tow come up on the spot where the Indian was before,and sure enough the Indians there,beef stick in hand spankin it like it owed him money.
  "Indian , what the hell you doin up there?" yelled the cowboy.

 And the Indian screamed "Me windum watch"

[BigCountry]

i literally cried with that. that gets award for joke of the year

[b.hog]

  Thank you,Thank you ,far too kind, I will be here just about every night.


  My grandfather told me that when I was a kid,he is half  souix.He would say the Indian in the story was a Cherokee,my grandmother was cherokee,He would always tell me "now dont you get caught being a watch winder"
 
  Brandon

[FourbangerYJ]

> Two  Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United
> States ,  wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie
> down and wait  for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........
>
> "Hey Pepe,  do you smell what I smell.  Ees bacon, I theenk."
>
> "Si,  Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "
>
> With renewed hope they  struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the
> distance, is a  tree loaded with bacon.
>
> There's raw bacon, there's fried  bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon
> ... every imaginable kind of cured  pork.
>
> "Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved.  Ees a bacon  tree."
>
> "Luis, maybe ees a meerage?  We ees in the desert  don't  forget."
>
> "Pepe, since when deed you ever hear  of  a meerage that smell like
> bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon  tree."
>
> And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree.   He gets to within five
> feet, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a  machine gun opens up,
> and Luis drops like a wet sock.  Mortally  wounded, he warns Pepe with his
> dying breath:
>
> "Pepe... go  back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
>
> "Luis, Luis  mi amigo... what ees it?"
>
> "Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree.   Ees
>
>
>
> Ees
>
>
>
> Ees
>
>
>
> Ees
>
>
>
> Ees  a ham bush...."

 

[BigCountry]

an old one, but i'm not sure it's on here

3 FBI agents are interviewing for a deep cover job, and they passed all of the tests but there wasn't one that was clearly better for the job than the other two. so the SAIC (Special Agent In Charge) gives them a final test. The SAIC hands the first agent a duty issue glock and says to him, "In that room is your wife, go kill her"
so the agent walks in, and spends a few minutes there before returning, and he comes out sobbing "i can't do it, i love her too much" SAIC hands the second agent the gun and says "go kill your wife" he disappears, and comes out same story "I can't, she's the love of my life and mother of my children" Finally exasperated, the SAIC hands the last agent the gun and says "go kill your wife" and the guy disappears, returning about 15 minutes later saying "some joker loaded the gun with blanks so i had to beat her to death with a chair."

[BigCountry]

another one i love

The Marine Corps is trying to retire some of it's older officers that are close to retirement, but seem to never leave, so they offer to give a retirement pension of $1,000 for every inch between two parts of their body.

the first colonel comes in and says "i'd like to take advantage of this retirement bonus, i'd like the measurement to be from the bottom of my feet to the top of my head,"

the general calls in the medical officer, and the medic measures the distance to be 6 feet. the general writes the colonel a check for $76,000, and the colonel leaves.

the second colonel comes in and says, "i'd like the distance between the bottom of my feet and my hand when extended over my head."

medical officer pulls out his measure and declares, "8 feet, 6 inches" and the general writes a check for $102,000.

the third colonel comes in and says, "i want the distance between the tip of my penis and my testicles"
to which the general replies "are you sure? that won't be much money"
the colonel says "yes sir, i insist"

the colonel drops his pants and the medic pulls his tape measure starting at the tip, and exclaims "OH MY GOD, WHERE ARE YOUR TESTICLES?"

the colonel grins and says "Vietnam"

[Jesse-James]

[Jeffy]

Funny but untrue.  The sidewinder Air-to-Air heat seeker.  I also doubt that the plane would even register the weak signal from a handheld radar gun.

[sharpxmen]

Funny but untrue.  The sidewinder Air-to-Air heat seeker.  I also doubt that the plane would even register the weak signal from a handheld radar gun.

i also wonder if the tornado is loaded with Sidewinder missiles

[jfrabat]

i also wonder if the tornado is loaded with Sidewinder missiles

The Tornado is compatible with the sidewinder (it can carry 2), so it's possible they did have sidewinders on board.  But Jeffy is right, the sidewinder is a heat seaking air-to-air missile (and short range at that), so I doubt the missile locked on to the radar.  Now, the Tornado DOES carry the ALARM, which COULD have locked on to the radar gun (however, like Jeffy, I find that MOST unlikely!).

[TrailsLessTaken]

I just found my wife in a lie today. We were in the car and someone called her cell. She looked at the number and didn't answer it...which is odd to begin with. Someone then called back and left a voicemail. When she called her voicemail, I heard a guy leave her a message...when she got off the phone, I asked her who it was...she said it was one of her girlfriends.
I pretended to believe her. At night I checked her phone logs. She had erased the incoming caller information....but she had sent a text message to some guy...confirming dinner.
So, tonight she went out and I decided to check on her. I decided to park my Lifted '91 Ford Bronco next to the garage and then hide beside it so I could get a good view of the street around the corner when she came home. Crouching beside my truck, I noticed a coolant leak and found it was coming from the back of the right cylinder head.
So…is it likely a cracked cylinder head or possibly just the gasket?

[Mozman68]

I just found my wife in a lie today. We were in the car and someone called her cell. She looked at the number and didn't answer it...which is odd to begin with. Someone then called back and left a voicemail. When she called her voicemail, I heard a guy leave her a message...when she got off the phone, I asked her who it was...she said it was one of her girlfriends.
I pretended to believe her. At night I checked her phone logs. She had erased the incoming caller information....but she had sent a text message to some guy...confirming dinner.
So, tonight she went out and I decided to check on her. I decided to park my Lifted '91 Ford Bronco next to the garage and then hide beside it so I could get a good view of the street around the corner when she came home. Crouching beside my truck, I noticed a coolant leak and found it was coming from the back of the right cylinder head.
So…is it likely a cracked cylinder head or possibly just the gasket?

Boy...you got me all wrapped up in that one....was hoping for a good "murdered wife" story in there....

[neale_rs]

I'd say it's just a gasket.  LOL

[aka-justin]

(This joke is best told than read; get's a great laugh over and over)

A man was new in a small town and was looking for something to do during the day.  He was walking around town when he decided to go to the local zoo.

At the zoo he saw all the animals.  He walked by and saw the elephant pin, the lions cage and stopped at the gorilla cage.  Above the gorilla cage it said "Gorilla do what you do."  Intrigued he got up to the cage and the gorilla was staring at him.  He started to jump up and down and so did the gorilla.  He scratched under his arm and went 'hoo hoo hoo' and so did the gorilla.

The two of them were having soo much fun goofing around.  The man got some dirt in his eye with his pinky and wiped it away with his pinky.  Next thing you know, that gorilla become enraged, ripped the bars apart, pounded the man into the ground, and pulled the bars back closed.

A short while later, the zoo keeper was walking by and saw the poor man in a pile on the ground.  He asked if the man was ok.  The man looked dazed and beaten while responding "I don't know what happened.  We were having a good old time.  Last thing I remember I was cleaning the dirt out of my eye" which he showed the zoo keeper.  The zoo keeper yelled, "No man! You can't do that!".  The man looked puzzled and shocked.  "That means f-u in gorilla, you pissed him off."

The man was distraught and hurt.  I left the zoo and went home to get fixed up and upset with that gorilla.

A few days later, the man was walking back through town contemplating what to do to that gorilla.  As he walked by the butchers shop, he saw all the meat hanging in the window.  He snapped his fingers and thought, "That's IT!".  He walked in the shop and approached the butcher.  He asked the butcher for long salami and two of his sharpest knives.  The butcher told him that he doesn't sell his knives.  The man said “I’ll give you $100 a piece.”  The butcher was shocked, but handed him the knives and salami.  The man put the knives tucked in back of his pants, and the salami went down the front of his pant leg.

The man returned to the zoo and to the gorilla cage.  The gorilla saw the man and looked at him suspiciously.  The man started back with jumping up and down.  So did the gorilla.  He started scratching under his arm and going ‘hoo hoo hoo’.  So did the gorilla.  The man then pulled out one of the knives and started twirling it around.  The gorilla watched him with another suspicious stare.  The man then after twirling it around pulled out the second one and handed it to the gorilla.  They both started twirling around the knives back and forth whipping them through the air.  Next thing you know, the man whipped out the salami from the zipper of his pants, pulled it out with one hand, and went *WHACK* *WHACK* *WHACK* *WHACK* cutting it to bits.  The gorilla quickly grabbed his dick looked at the knife, looked at the knife, looked at his dick, and looked at the man’s salami.  The gorilla dropped the knife on the ground and rubbed his eye with his pinky.

[BigCountry]

(This joke is best told than read; get's a great laugh over and over)

A man was new in a small town and was looking for something to do during the day.  He was walking around town when he decided to go to the local zoo.

At the zoo he saw all the animals.  He walked by and saw the elephant pin, the lions cage and stopped at the gorilla cage.  Above the gorilla cage it said "Gorilla do what you do."  Intrigued he got up to the cage and the gorilla was staring at him.  He started to jump up and down and so did the gorilla.  He scratched under his arm and went 'hoo hoo hoo' and so did the gorilla.

The two of them were having soo much fun goofing around.  The man got some dirt in his eye with his pinky and wiped it away with his pinky.  Next thing you know, that gorilla become enraged, ripped the bars apart, pounded the man into the ground, and pulled the bars back closed.

A short while later, the zoo keeper was walking by and saw the poor man in a pile on the ground.  He asked if the man was ok.  The man looked dazed and beaten while responding "I don't know what happened.  We were having a good old time.  Last thing I remember I was cleaning the dirt out of my eye" which he showed the zoo keeper.  The zoo keeper yelled, "No man! You can't do that!".  The man looked puzzled and shocked.  "That means f-u in gorilla, you pissed him off."

The man was distraught and hurt.  I left the zoo and went home to get fixed up and upset with that gorilla.

A few days later, the man was walking back through town contemplating what to do to that gorilla.  As he walked by the butchers shop, he saw all the meat hanging in the window.  He snapped his fingers and thought, "That's IT!".  He walked in the shop and approached the butcher.  He asked the butcher for long salami and two of his sharpest knives.  The butcher told him that he doesn't sell his knives.  The man said “I’ll give you $100 a piece.”  The butcher was shocked, but handed him the knives and salami.  The man put the knives tucked in back of his pants, and the salami went down the front of his pant leg.

The man returned to the zoo and to the gorilla cage.  The gorilla saw the man and looked at him suspiciously.  The man started back with jumping up and down.  So did the gorilla.  He started scratching under his arm and going ‘hoo hoo hoo’.  So did the gorilla.  The man then pulled out one of the knives and started twirling it around.  The gorilla watched him with another suspicious stare.  The man then after twirling it around pulled out the second one and handed it to the gorilla.  They both started twirling around the knives back and forth whipping them through the air.  Next thing you know, the man whipped out the salami from the zipper of his pants, pulled it out with one hand, and went *WHACK* *WHACK* *WHACK* *WHACK* cutting it to bits.  The gorilla quickly grabbed his dick looked at the knife, looked at the knife, looked at his dick, and looked at the man’s salami.  The gorilla dropped the knife on the ground and rubbed his eye with his pinky.

new favorite!