Topic: Official 4BangerJP Joke Thread

[Jesse-James]

Got a good joke? Post it here. Save from having 100 threads labeled "joke"

Let em rip.

[Jesse-James]

I'll start.




 WHO DOES THE WORK?



 Who's working anyway?

 The population of this country is 300 million.

 160 million are retired.

 That leaves 140 million to do the work.

 There are 85 million in school.

 Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

 Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.

 Leaving 15 million to do the work.

 2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama
Bin-Laden.

 Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.

 Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city
governments.

 And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

 At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

 Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

 Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

 That leaves just two people to do the work.

 You and me.

 And there you are,

 Sitting on your ass,

 At your computer, reading jokes.

 Nice. Real nice.

[chardrc]

lol

[Jesse-James]

How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?


1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it’s “lightbulb” or “light bulb” … Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper terms is “lamp”

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that “light bulb” is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URL’s where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL’s were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL’s

3 to post about link they found from the URL’s that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirely including all headers and signatures, and add “me too”

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say “didn’t we go through this already a short time ago?”

13 to say “do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs”

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

[Elyod]

Chuck Norris doesn't read books, he stares them down until he gets the information he needs.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad.

In the beginning God said, "Let there be light!" Chuck Norris said, "Say please."

[Mozman68]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[chardrc]

 + =

[gomi]

my favorite chuck norris joke is .....chuck norris doesn't tea bag you,....he potato sacks you. HaaaahAaaaaaaa!!!!

[Jeffy]

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

[damon54]

There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

[Jeffy]

The Man Rules

We always hear "the rules" from the female side.  Now here are the rules
from the male side.  These are our rules!  Please note... these are all
numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.  You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down.  We need it up, you need it down.  You don't hear us complaining about
you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.  Let
it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.  And no, we are never going to think of it that
way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.  Let us be clear on this one: subtle hints do not
work!  Strong hints do not work!  Obvious hints do not work!  Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what
We do.  Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.  See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.  In fact,
all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't Expect us to
act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.  Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes
you sad or angry, then we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.  If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.  Peach, for
example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have
no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.  We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like
nothing's wrong.  We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle, besides we know you will bring it up again later.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you
don't want to hear!

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...
Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
Discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.  Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

[gomi]

1. Thank you for reading this.  Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

I like that one, kinda cute!

[Mozman68]

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas. Ray had always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, and wears them home walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks him over, "Nope."

Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the cowboy boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE?  IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"

To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda' bought a hat, Ray."

[Mozman68]

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital, and she timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator responded, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the patient's name and room number?"

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone, "Oh, good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal. And her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit."

[chardrc]