Topic: Official 4BangerJP Joke Thread

[VA_YJ]

Three vampires go into a bar and sit down.  The barmaid comes up to take their orders.  “What will you, um, gentlemen like tonight?

The first vampires says “I have a mug of blood.”

The second vampire says “I have a mug of blood also.”

The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said “I’ll have a glass of plasma.”

The barmaid writes down the order, walks back to the bar and calls out:

“Two bloods and a blood light.”

[jfrabat]

Ha!  good one!

[VA_YJ]

Q: What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

A: Outlaws are wanted.

[jfrabat]

A couple of poems for the English majors...

'Twas the night before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas
Old Santa was p*****
He cussed out the elves
and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats,
ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind
to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my ***
for d*** near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"
what do I hear?
The old lady b******
cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money
The reindeer all fight.

And just when I thought
that things would get better
Those a**holes from the IRS
sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes
if that ain't d*** funny
Who the hell ever sent
Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days
they all are the pits
They want the impossible
Those mean little s****
I spent a whole year
making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...
Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's
No request for them,
They want computers and robots...
they think - I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...
dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys
and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job
there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat a**
and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year
now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde.
I'm going SOUTH for the season!

'Twas the night after Christmas

'Twas the night after Christmas
and all through the trailer,
the beer had gone flat
and the pizza was staler.
The tube socks hung empty,
no candies or toys
and I was camped out
on my old Lay-Z-Boy.


The kids they weren't talking
to me or my wife,
the worst Christmas they said
they had had in their lives.
My wife couldn't argue
and neither could I,
so I watched TV
and my wife, she just cried.

When out in the yard
the dog started barkin',
I stood up and looked
and I saw Sheriff Larkin.
He yelled, "Roy I am sworn
to uphold the laws
and I got a complaint here
from a feller named Claus."

I said, "Claus, I don't
know nobody named Claus,
and you ain't taking me in
without probable cause."
Then the Sheriff he said,
"The man was shot at last night."
I said, "That might have been me,
just what's he look like."

The Sheriff replied,
"Well he's a jolly old feller,
with a big beer gut belly,
that shakes when he laughs
like a bowl full of jelly.
He sports a long beard,
and a nose like a cherry."
I said, "Sheriff that sounds
like my wife's sister Sherri."

"It's no time for jokes Roy"
the Sheriff he said.
"The man I'm describing
is dressed all in red.
I'm here for the truth now,
it's time to come clean.
Tell me what you've done,
tell me what you've seen."

Well I started to lie
then I thought what the hell,
it wouldn't have been the first time
that I've spent New Years in jail.
I said, "Sheriff it happened
last night about ten,
and I thought that my wife
had been drinking again."

When she walked in from work
she was as white as a ghost.
I thought maybe she had seen
one of them UFO's.
But she said that a bunch of deer
had just flown over her head,
and stopped on the roof
of our good neighbour Red.

Well I ran outside to look
and the sight made me shudder,
a freezer full of venison
standing right on Red's gutter.
Well my hands were a shakin'
as I grabbed my gun,
when outta Red's chimney
this feller did run.

And slung on his back
was this bag over flowin'.
I thought he stolen
Red's stuff while old Red was out bowling'.
So I yelled, "Drop fat boy,
hands in the air!"
But he went about his business
like he hadn't a care.

So I popped a warning
shot over his head.
Well he dropped that bag
and he jumped in that sled.
And as he flew off
I heard him extort,
"That's assault with intent Roy,
I'll see ya in court."

[sharpxmen]

i bailed out near the top, would be spending Christmas reading the poem otherwise.

[Mozman68]

A good looking man walked into an agent's office
in Hollywood and said, "I want to be a movie star." 

Tall, handsome, and with experience on Broadway,
he had the right credentials. The agent asked, 

"What's your name?" 

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian." 

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order
to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to
change your name." 

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name
is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather
by changing my name. Not ever." 

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for
years...you will NEVER go far in Hollywood   with a
name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will
HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to
represent you." 

"So be it!  I guess we will not do business together,"
the guy said and he left the agent's office. 

FIVE YEARS LATER......The agent opens an envelope sent to
his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check
for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would
possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed... 

Dear Sir,
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an
actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name.
Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. 

You told me I would never make it in Hollywood   with a name
like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about
what you said I decided you were right. I had to change my
name. I had too much  pride to return to your office, so I
signed with another agent. I would never have made it
without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a
token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,  Dick van Dyke

True story.... (or maybe not...)

[sharpxmen]

hilarious, seriously