TOOLS EXPLAINED BY AN ENGINEER
>
>
> DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
> flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
> chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted
> vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where
> nothing could get to it.
>
> WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
> under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
> hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to
> say, 'Oh
s#@t' >
> ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
> holes until you die of old age.
>
> SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
>
> PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the
> creation of blood-blisters.
>
> BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert
> minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
>
>
> HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
> principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
> motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
> dismal your future becomes.
>
> VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off
> bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to
> transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
>
> OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
> flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease
> inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
>
> TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch
> wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
>
> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
> after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
> handle firmly under the bumper.
>
> BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops
> to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit
> into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of
> the outside edge.
>
> TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile
> strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
>
> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
> lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil
> on your shirt, but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
> STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used
> to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
>
> PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
> bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50-cent part.
>
> HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
>
> HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
> is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
> adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
>
> UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
> cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on
> contents such as leather seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic
> bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic
> parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while
> in use.
>
> DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the
> garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most
> often, the next tool that you will need.
