Topic: Official 4BangerJP Joke Thread

[Jesse-James]

You'd think they'd have caught this one??

[Jesse-James]

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon! 

[95yjman]

LoL 

[Jeffy]

You might be a Michigander ...

... if you define Summer as three months of bad sledding.

... if your definition of a small town is one that doesn't have a lake.

... if your family breaks into violence during the UM-MSU game (any sport!).

... if snow tires come standard on all your cars.

... if at least 50% of your relatives work for the auto industry.

... if you have ever gotten frostbitten and sunburned in the same week.

... if you can identify an Ohio accent.

... if owning a Japanese car was a hanging offense in your home town.

... if you learned to pilot a boat before the training wheels were off your bike.

... if you think Alkaline batteries were named after a Tiger outfielder.

... if you point at the palm of your right hand when telling people where you grew up.

... if you don't understand what the big deal about Chicago is.

... if someone asks you if you've been to Europe and you answer, "No, but I've been to Ann Arbor..."

... if "Down South" to you means Toledo.

... if you have any idea who Bob Ufer was.

... if octopus and hockey go together as naturally as hot dogs and baseball.

... if traveling coast to coast means going from Port Huron to Muskegon.

... if you refer to your relatives in southern Michigan as "trolls" or "lopers".

... if the "Big Three" can mean either Ford, Chrysler and GM or Domino's, Little Ceaser's and Hungry Howie's.

... if a Big Mac is something you can drive across.

... if you have no problem spelling Mackinac Island.

... if you had to get a passport to go to Ohio.

... if you have as many Canadian coins in your pockets as American ones.

... if your kid's baseball or softball games games have been ever been snowed out.

... if the trees in your backyard have spigots.

... if you know that a place called "Kalamazoo" really exists.

... if you bake with "soda" and drink "pop".

... if you know what a pastie is.

... if you drive 70 mph on the highway and pass on the right.

... if your favorite hockey team's mascot is an octopus.

... if you have a favorite hockey team.

... if you don't have a coughing fit from one sip of Vernor's.

... if you know how to play Euchre.

... if you classify your friends and relatives as "yoopers," "trolls," "Canadians," or "not from 'round here,".

... if you know at least 2 yooper jokes.

... if fudge and Bicycles remind you of your honeymoon.

... if you can name all 5 of the Great Lakes, and point to their locations around your left and right hands.

... if you don't cross picket lines.

... if you used to think Deer Season included an official school holiday.

... if you know that Pontiac and Cadillac are cities.

... if you've been to Hell and to Paradise and back again.

... if you had Tornado Drills in elementary school.

... if you know all the words to Gordon Lightfoot's classic ballad, "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald"

... if you can actually pronounce Ypsilanti.

... if the first decision you have to make on an international trip is, "bridge or tunnel?"

... if you own only three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.

... if you design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit.

... if you have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

... if you have 10 favorite recipes for venison.

... if Home Depot on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.

... if you've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.

... if driving is better in the winter because the potholes get filled with snow.

... if you think everyone from the city has an accent.

... if you think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.

... if you owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.

... if the local paper covers national and international headlines on l/4 page, but requires 6 pages for sports.

... if your snow blower gets stuck on the roof.

... if summer takes place the second week of July (and it still rains!!).

... if you know which leaves make good toilet paper.

... if you find -20F a little chilly.

... if the trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.

... if you attended a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your snowmobile boots.

... if shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.

... if you know the 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter, and Construction.

... if the municipality buys a zamboni before a bus.

... if you drink "Vernors" and play "Euchre".

... if you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by.

... if you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Pellston is the coldest spot in the nation.

... if your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March.

... if you instinctively walk like a penquin for five months out of the year.

... if you have worn shorts and a coat at the same time.

... if "vacation" means going up north on I-75.

... if you know several people who have hit a deer more than once.

... if you often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

... if you can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.

... if you see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings.)

... if you carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.

... if your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.

... if you were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.

... if down South to you means Ohio.

... if a brat is something you eat.

... if your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole barn.

... if you go out to a fish fry every Friday.

... if your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.

... if your doctor tells you to drink Vernors and you know it's not medicine.

... if you know what a Yooper is.

... if you know that UP is a place, not a direction.

... if you know it's possible to live in a thumb.

... if you actually understand these references ...

[Mozman68]

Hey....

I was born in and raised around New York City....but it's not that bad up here.  It is nice to wheel in the Summer and it not be 115 degrees outside...and wheeling in the deep snow is kick ass.

[chardrc]

wheeling in the snow is the best way to clean your undercarriage..

[Tsd]

Economic Models explained with Cows


SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened
by your brother-in-law  at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated
general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island
Company,  secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the  rights to all seven
cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows,
with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United
States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.


A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty
times the milk. You then create a clever cow  cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market
it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country. You still
have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two sheep
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two sheep
The one on the left looks very attractive.

[Jesse-James]

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.....so, I took her to a gas station.....


and that's how the fight started....

************************************************** *******



I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.



And that's how the fight started.



************************************************** **********************



After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.



I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.



The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.



She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.



When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.



She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'



And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************** *********************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.



My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'



'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'



'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'



And that's how the fight started.....



************************************************** *****************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!



He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'



So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'



And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************** **********************
I took my wife to a restaurant.



The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.



'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'



He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'



'Nah, she can order for herself.'



And that's how the fight started..... 

 

[Mozman68]

JJ's always got the good ones....

[TrailsLessTaken]

DOCTOR'S STORIES - TRUE!!!!!

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs -and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX.

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Submitted by RN no name

AND FINALLY!!!................

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".
This Dr. wouldn't submit his name

[95yjman]

wheeling in the snow is the best way to clean your undercarriage..

That or a lawn sprinkler

[chardrc]

ATM
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE and FEMALE procedures have been developed.

Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender:

MALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE


1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

[Jesse-James]

[chardrc]

  but its so true that its 

[Jesse-James]

The matrix runs on Windows.....

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/v/yX8yrOAjfKM&amp;hl=en&amp;fs=1" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer" class="bbc_link bbc_flash_disabled new_win">http://www.youtube.com/v/yX8yrOAjfKM&amp;hl=en&amp;fs=1</a>