4bangerjp.com
General Forums => The Mess Hall => Topic started by: Jesse-James on April 29, 2007, 01:18:39 PM
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Got a good joke? Post it here. Save from having 100 threads labeled "joke"
Let em rip.
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I'll start.
WHO DOES THE WORK????
Who's working anyway?
The population of this country is 300 million.
160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 15 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama
Bin-Laden.
Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city
governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are,
Sitting on your ass,
At your computer, reading jokes.
Nice. Real nice.
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lol :roflol:
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How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb? (http://i68.photobucket.com/albums/i33/jlafaive/Smilies/thponder.gif)
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it’s “lightbulb” or “light bulb” … Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper terms is “lamp”
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that “light bulb” is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL’s where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL’s were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL’s
3 to post about link they found from the URL’s that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirely including all headers and signatures, and add “me too”
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say “didn’t we go through this already a short time ago?”
13 to say “do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs”
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
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Chuck Norris doesn't read books, he stares them down until he gets the information he needs.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad.
In the beginning God said, "Let there be light!" Chuck Norris said, "Say please."
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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
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:ghey:+ :naughty:= :yikes:
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my favorite chuck norris joke is .....chuck norris doesn't tea bag you,....he potato sacks you. HaaaahAaaaaaaa!!!!
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Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
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There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
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The Man Rules
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules
from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all
numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about
you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let
it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that
way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: subtle hints do not
work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what
We do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact,
all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't Expect us to
act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes
you sad or angry, then we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for
example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have
no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle, besides we know you will bring it up again later.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you
don't want to hear!
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...
Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
Discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
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1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
I like that one, kinda cute!
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An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas. Ray had always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, and wears them home walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the cowboy boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"
Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"
To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda' bought a hat, Ray."
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A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital, and she timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator responded, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the patient's name and room number?"
The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."
After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone, "Oh, good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal. And her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit."
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:roflol: :roflol: :roflol:
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The Love Dress
A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house.
She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress,"the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"It needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"
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Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the
children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came up, fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.
David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him
about his father.
My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes
in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he'll go
out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money.
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
children to work on some coloring, and took little David aside to ask
him, Is that really true about your father?
No, said David, He plays for the Oakland Raiders but I was too embarrassed
to say that in front of the other kids.
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Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the
children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came up, fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.
David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him
about his father.
My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes
in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he'll go
out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money.
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
children to work on some coloring, and took little David aside to ask
him, Is that really true about your father?
No, said David, He plays for the Oakland Raiders but I was too embarrassed
to say that in front of the other kids.
:asshat: smitten!!!! :twofingers:
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lol thats great... :roflol:
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:asshat: smitten!!!! :twofingers:
Mind telling us why you want to start a smite war over a joke?
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Could it be because he is an exotic dancer in a gay bar :confused: or worse he hails out of Oakland :ass:
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lol thought it was obvious dont hail out of oakland but am a raider fan :stick: sorry for my lack of explanation but i am a raider fan and i dunt talk so gud. :blbl:
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Posting And You... (http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/posting.php)
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Uh... This is a joke thread. I don't think his joke was an expression of an opinion so much as an attempt to tell a funny story. This is the "joke thread" I suggest you don't come here anymore if your feelings are easily hurt.
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Posting And You... (http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/posting.php)
"Applaud" +1 for that post!
Even things out! :thumbsup:
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Uh... This is a joke thread. I don't think his joke was an expression of an opinion so much as an attempt to tell a funny story. This is the "joke thread" I suggest you don't come here anymore if your feelings are easily hurt.
ow no not another flame war... last time this happened we lost our editing privileges and the stats page.
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Good call. Sorry if I seemed on edge. I like jokes as long as they stay jokes.
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A woman storms into a pet shop demanding her money back from the owner. “You sold me this frog and told me it would be able to satisfy all my sexual desires!”
The clerk tries to calm her down and asks, “Did you do what I told you to do?”
“Yes, dammit! I got naked, lay back on my bed, and put him between my legs just like you said, and he did nothing!” she shouts.
The owner, looking confused, replies, “It’s a perfectly trained frog. I can’t understand what’s wrong.”
He takes the woman and the frog to a back room in the shop, where he places the frog on a small table next to a bed and asks the woman to please lie down and remove her panties.
“What?” she shouts.
Turning to the frog, he says, “Now watch carefully, because this is the last time I’m showing you this!”
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Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean.
Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes it as the whaling ship that killed his father.
Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that killed my father! Let's swim closer!"
When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million pieces? That will be sweet revenge." And the female agreed to this.
So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship, and blew enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air and crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.
The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean.
The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, "They're still alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the sailors!"
That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said, "Oh no... I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen."
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After an hour of fishing, the following conversation took place:
First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second guy: "That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or sex," and she said, 'Wear sun-block.' "
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Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or sex," and she said, 'Wear sun-block.' "
:roflol: :roflol: :roflol:
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I met an older woman at a bar last night.
She wasn’t bad for being 50, we drank and bull$hitted a bit, then she asked if I'd ever had the 'sportsman's double', a mother and daughter 3 some?
I said no.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.
I went back to her place.
She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:
"Mom you still awake?"
:yikes:
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:wine: really, i now need to switch key boards. coke in it. and eeewww.
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(http://www.nehrt.com/Demotivators/DM%20-%20Motivation.jpg)
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I love those posters.....
(http://i68.photobucket.com/albums/i33/jlafaive/Forums/AFA_failure.jpg)
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(http://i164.photobucket.com/albums/u24/sarahannsparker/index.jpg)
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Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
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(http://i47.photobucket.com/albums/f194/dexter30/Cats/cat45.jpg)
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Soooo three women have a very late night drinking.
They leave in the early morning hours and go their separate ways.
The next day, they all meet and compare notes about who was drunkest the
night before.
The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight
home and walked into the house.
As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks for 10 minutes."
The second says, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and
wrapped it around the first tree
I saw. I don't even have insurance!"
The third says, "No, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got
into a big fight with my husband,
knocked over a candle, and burned the whole house down!" She begins to
cry. The room falls silent.
Finally, the first girl speaks up: "I don't think you understand ...
Chunks is my dog!"
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oh god..... :roflol: :roflol:
hey jeffy ya might want to change the title of this to nsfw or adult humor. i'm not complaining just saying it may not be for some of the fainter of heart.
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Subject: She bought new windows
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those
expensive Double-pane energy-efficient kind. Yesterday, I got a call
from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the
windows had been installed a whole year ago and I had never paid for
them yet.
Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am
automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his
fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year... namely, that in just
ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
"Helllooooo"? (I told him). "It's been a year"!
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally
just hung up.... He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed
about forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won't
underestimate a blonde anymore.
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These are both really good! :roflol:
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http://vid68.photobucket.com/player.swf?file=http://vid68.photobucket.com/albums/i33/jlafaive/Forums/WhatOldPeopleDoForFun.flv
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I saw that a year or so ago, it still brings a tear to my eye! :lol:
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A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him? The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately. The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"
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A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a Drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
Who was that?" asked his wife.
Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
Did you help him?" she asks.
No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring outside!"
Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?" "I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
Yes," comes back the answer.
Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk
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:lol:^That's good^ :lol:
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Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited At a
party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at
a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics
and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and
now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his
best friend a top of the line Mercedes For his birthday."
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride
and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight
school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the
company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that
he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best
universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own
construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away
something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his
birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned
from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"
One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for
the successes of our sons. What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living Dancing as a
stripper at a nightclub."
The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love
him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago,
and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and
a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.
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(http://i68.photobucket.com/albums/i33/jlafaive/Forums/ATT00208.jpg)
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Camel Toads huh? She must live under a rock. :roflol:
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:roflol: :roflol: :roflol: :roflol: :roflol: :roflol: :roflol: :roflol: :roflol: :roflol: :roflol: :roflol: :roflol: :roflol: :roflol: :roflol: :roflol:
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from Letterman...
They say President Bush, once he leaves office, is going to open a 'Think Tank'!!
That's like Michael Vick opening an 'Animal Shelter'!!!
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A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of
his dad bouncing up and down. the mom sees her son and quickly dismounts,
worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to
find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and
sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it."
"Your wasting your time,"said the boy.
"Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on
her knees and blows it right back up." :hump:
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(http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y87/butch6924/Smilies/NewImage.jpg)
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I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving
at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place
where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're
the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been
unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from my bachelor party
that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while
your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's
teacher.'
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*NSFW Language*
http://www.youtube.com/v/DOq-8kvAV3o&rel=1
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(http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y87/butch6924/Smilies/NewImage.jpg)
Wow, that happened back in 2002... :lol:
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I like this one....
(http://sidesplitters.catastrophe.net/arch/2006/truth-about-hummers.jpg)
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nice! it's funny the other day i drove past the local hummer dealership, and out front was a built jeep on the hill in front while all the hummers were still onn pavement. haha.
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(http://www.beerorkid.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/bacon-_flowchart.jpg)
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so hard to read. yet so funny...mmm bacon..
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Right click and select view image.
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Chuck Norris doesn't read books, he stares them down until he gets the information he needs.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad.
In the beginning God said, "Let there be light!" Chuck Norris said, "Say please."
another good chuck norris joke...
god calls in three possible replacements for his job, for he has to go climb mount everest. the three possibles are arnold schwartzenegger, mr. t. and chuck norris. god looks at
Arnold, and says well you were governor and the terminator, what else have you done well? poof, sends arnold to hell. Mr. T looks at god and says god you know i've always been a big
fan of the big g. poof god sends mr. t to hell. he turns to chuck norris and chuck norris roundhouse kicks god and says, "God you are sitting in my seat."
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"Dad At The Mall"
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided
to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had
spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad
kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every
time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old
man, never done anything wild in your life?
Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his
response; knowing he would have a good one.
And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response, 'Got drunk once
and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.' :yikes:
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Peep Show
(http://www.socaloffroad.com/Brian/Misc/Peep.jpg)
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Peep Show
(http://www.socaloffroad.com/Brian/Misc/Peep.jpg)
HAaahahAHaAaaa!!!!
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hahaha that rocks!
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A couple more for the past holiday....
(http://i195.photobucket.com/albums/z234/Dollarbill75/Motivational/respecmahpeeps-1.jpg)
(http://i195.photobucket.com/albums/z234/Dollarbill75/respeeps.jpg)
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Post Turtle
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texas rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our President.
The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a post turtle'.
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.
The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.'
The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain.
'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just want to help the dumbass get down.'
-
Post Turtle
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texas rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our President.
The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a post turtle'.
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.
The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.'
The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain.
'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just want to help the dumbass get down.'
:thumbsup: ;) :roflol: :clap:
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LMAO that is soooooo funny :roflol: :roflol: :clap: :dance:
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Woman as explained by an engineer.
(http://i68.photobucket.com/albums/i33/jlafaive/Forums/woman.jpg)
-
(http://i68.photobucket.com/albums/i33/jlafaive/Forums/untitled-1.jpg)
(http://i68.photobucket.com/albums/i33/jlafaive/Forums/cid.gif)
(http://i68.photobucket.com/albums/i33/jlafaive/Forums/gas2.jpg)
(http://i68.photobucket.com/albums/i33/jlafaive/Forums/GASPRICES6.jpg)
(http://i68.photobucket.com/albums/i33/jlafaive/Forums/GASPRICES9.jpg)
(http://i68.photobucket.com/albums/i33/jlafaive/Forums/gastax.jpg)
(http://i68.photobucket.com/albums/i33/jlafaive/Forums/grayhound.jpg)
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Those aren't funny...they're to true to be funny... :'(
-
Little Sally came home from school and with a smile on her face and told her mother,
"Billy Brown showed me his willy today!"
Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really small was it?"
Sally replied, "No...salty!"
-
Here are some classics and some of my favorite all-time internet jokes:
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Brick Layer's Accident Report
Dear Sir:
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in
Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the
cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust
the following details will be sufficient:
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was
working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I
completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when
weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the
bricks down by hand, I decided to lowe r them in a barrel by using a
pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth
floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the
barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied
the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs
of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight
is 135 lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I
lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to
say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the
vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding
downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured
skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section
3 of the accident reporting form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping
until the finge rs of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the
pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was
able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I
was now beginning to experience.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
ground, and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the
weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer
you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent
down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I
met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles,
broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel
seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the
pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks,
in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories
above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of
the rope...
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Inexperienced Chili Tester
Notes from an inexperienced Chili tester named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently I was honored to be selected a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, wht the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
CHILI #1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Chili
Judge One: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge Two: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Frank: Holy cow, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge One: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
Judge Two: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Frank: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI #3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge One: Excellent firehouse chili. Great Kick.
Judge Two: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Frank: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting drain cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now - get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting stupid from all the beer.
CHILI #4: Bubba's Black Magic
Judge One: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge Two: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Frank: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; coyote-ugly gal is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI #5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge One: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge Two: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Frank: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. To heck with those rednecks!
CHILI #6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge One: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
Judge Two: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Frank: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous sulfuric flames. I messed in my pants when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone!
CHILI #7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge One: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge Two: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Frank: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like turds to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI #8: Lester's Last of the Red-Hot Lover's Chili
Judge One: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
Judge Two: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild or hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it.
Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Real Insurance Reports
The following was published by an insurance company for internal distribution. These reports were submitted when policy-holders were asked for a brief statement describing their particular accident. An Ann Landers reader sent them in from Raleigh, N.C.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
I thought my window was down but found it was up when I put my hand through it.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The guy was all over the place. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
The accident occured when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
I was driving my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.
I was on my way to the doctor's with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.
As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.
When I saw I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran him over.
I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
-
Redneck Man's pick up lines..
1) Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea .
I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out.
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.
6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.
8) Man - 'Fat Penguin!'
Woman - 'WHAT?'
Man - 'I just wanted to say something that would break
the ice .'
9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room.
11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.
13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.
Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital,
Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a Talk
with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything
about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he
would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful
baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful
little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes.
Can he see?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor
said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"'cause he'd be screwed if
he needed glasses"
-
:clap:
Gotta love that little Johnnie....
-
A little boy asked his Mom, "How did the human race come about?" The Mom answered, "God made Adam and Eve, they had children and so all mankind was made."
A few days later he asks his Father the same question. The Father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys and we developed from them."
The confused boy returns to his Mom and says, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Dad says we developed from monkeys?" The Mom answers, "Well, son, it is very
simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your Father told you about his side."
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lol nice :roflol:
-
HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES
Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell--they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right--a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
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HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES
Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell--they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right--a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
THat's a good one! :roflol:
-
Authority
Another example of what a little bit of authority will do for people-----
A Department of Water representative stopped at a ranch and talked With an Old rancher. He told the rancher, 'I need to inspect your Ranch for your water allocation.' The old rancher said, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'
The water representative said, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this badge? It means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. 'Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
The old rancher nodded politely and went about his chores. Later, the old rancher heard loud screams and saw the Water Rep running for the fence and close behind was the rancher's bull. The bull was gaining on the Water Rep with every step. The Rep was clearly terrified, So the old man immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out, 'Your badge! Your badge! Show him your badge!'
-
Why I fired my secretary
Two weeks ago, was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went into breakfast, knowing my wife would be pleasant and say Happy Birthday and probably have a present for me.
She didn't even say Good Morning, let alone any Happy Birthday. I said, well, that's wives for you. The children will remember. The children came into breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon. About noon Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go."
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office. Do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not."
She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment, we had another martini and smoked a cigarette and she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."
"Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and in about six minutes, she came out... ... carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife and children. All were singing Happy Birthday.... and there on the couch I sat... . with nothing on but my socks......
-
:lol: I like that
-
GOOD:
In Haverhill , a Massachusetts State Trooper was running radar. He had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting any. Then he discovered the problem. A 12 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD!' The officer later found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading, 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money.
(Beats a lemonade stand!)
- BETTER:
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Bradford , MA . A $40.00 speeding ticket was inc luded. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.00. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
-BEST:
A young woman was pulled over in Groveland , MA for speeding. As the MA State Troope r walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, 'I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Massachusetts State Police Ball.' He replied, 'MA State Troopers don't have balls.' There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car
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A young woman was pulled over in Groveland , MA for speeding. As the MA State Troope r walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, 'I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Massachusetts State Police Ball.' He replied, 'MA State Troopers don't have balls.' There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car
She must have been REALLY good looking to get away with that one!
-
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear...'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.' She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several very expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.
I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.'
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled----'WHAT?'
I then said 'honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial means as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either...............
-
Great one...has been copied and sent around the world.
----------------
Now playing: The Proclaimers - Sunshine On Leith (http://www.foxytunes.com/artist/the+proclaimers/track/sunshine+on+leith)
via FoxyTunes (http://www.foxytunes.com/signatunes/)
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X2
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This is hilarious....
http://www.jibjab.com/v/247088
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Funny. Basically there are two democratic canditates and only one of them isn't absolutely SCARY!
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http://www.youtube.com/v/-8LiLJacKbs&hl=en&fs=1
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lol totaly owned... my boss actually radio for me to come into the office to see that video today at work... :roflol:
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Thats awsome! For so many reasons! Cocky SOB!!!
-
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings, and a man engages the hands free speaker-function, and begins to talk. Everyone else in he room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now, and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $500. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership, and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with the extended warranty."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ...The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $450,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer 400,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?" :lol:
-
I was shopping at the local
supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt
to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as
I placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases,
the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I
was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I
was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the
belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my
selections that could have tipped off the drunk to
my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: 'Well,
you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on
earth did you know that?'
The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'
-
okay...that's a good one.... :roflol:
-
Q: If 2 **** and 2 ******** are headed to the airport which one gets there first?
A: The 2 ********, they are doing 69 the entire time while the **** are still packing!
I was told this joke last thursday by the gay guy at work, he thought it was the funniest joke ever! I dont think it's that funny! Maybe you have to be gay to really like it?
-
Not sure if a gay guy finding it funny makes it any less offensive on a public board....edited for that reason only....fill in the blanks yourself.
-
Didnt mean to offend anyone!
-
You haven't as far as I know...but now there's no chance of it... :blbl:
-
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principle's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade"
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principle's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.
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http://videos.streetfire.net/vidiac.swf?video=32b07cff-47b5-411d-9717-9b2000cfdf5b&cspid=48e1b8a87f7f90e1
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Hey, at least the tow driver got the job done, right? :lol:
-
You'd think they'd have caught this one?? ???
(http://picsorban.com/upload/finallylocated.jpg)
-
A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon! :wine:
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LoL :lol:
-
You might be a Michigander ...
... if you define Summer as three months of bad sledding.
... if your definition of a small town is one that doesn't have a lake.
... if your family breaks into violence during the UM-MSU game (any sport!).
... if snow tires come standard on all your cars.
... if at least 50% of your relatives work for the auto industry.
... if you have ever gotten frostbitten and sunburned in the same week.
... if you can identify an Ohio accent.
... if owning a Japanese car was a hanging offense in your home town.
... if you learned to pilot a boat before the training wheels were off your bike.
... if you think Alkaline batteries were named after a Tiger outfielder.
... if you point at the palm of your right hand when telling people where you grew up.
... if you don't understand what the big deal about Chicago is.
... if someone asks you if you've been to Europe and you answer, "No, but I've been to Ann Arbor..."
... if "Down South" to you means Toledo.
... if you have any idea who Bob Ufer was.
... if octopus and hockey go together as naturally as hot dogs and baseball.
... if traveling coast to coast means going from Port Huron to Muskegon.
... if you refer to your relatives in southern Michigan as "trolls" or "lopers".
... if the "Big Three" can mean either Ford, Chrysler and GM or Domino's, Little Ceaser's and Hungry Howie's.
... if a Big Mac is something you can drive across.
... if you have no problem spelling Mackinac Island.
... if you had to get a passport to go to Ohio.
... if you have as many Canadian coins in your pockets as American ones.
... if your kid's baseball or softball games games have been ever been snowed out.
... if the trees in your backyard have spigots.
... if you know that a place called "Kalamazoo" really exists.
... if you bake with "soda" and drink "pop".
... if you know what a pastie is.
... if you drive 70 mph on the highway and pass on the right.
... if your favorite hockey team's mascot is an octopus.
... if you have a favorite hockey team.
... if you don't have a coughing fit from one sip of Vernor's.
... if you know how to play Euchre.
... if you classify your friends and relatives as "yoopers," "trolls," "Canadians," or "not from 'round here,".
... if you know at least 2 yooper jokes.
... if fudge and Bicycles remind you of your honeymoon.
... if you can name all 5 of the Great Lakes, and point to their locations around your left and right hands.
... if you don't cross picket lines.
... if you used to think Deer Season included an official school holiday.
... if you know that Pontiac and Cadillac are cities.
... if you've been to Hell and to Paradise and back again.
... if you had Tornado Drills in elementary school.
... if you know all the words to Gordon Lightfoot's classic ballad, "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald"
... if you can actually pronounce Ypsilanti.
... if the first decision you have to make on an international trip is, "bridge or tunnel?"
... if you own only three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.
... if you design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit.
... if you have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
... if you have 10 favorite recipes for venison.
... if Home Depot on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
... if you've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
... if driving is better in the winter because the potholes get filled with snow.
... if you think everyone from the city has an accent.
... if you think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
... if you owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
... if the local paper covers national and international headlines on l/4 page, but requires 6 pages for sports.
... if your snow blower gets stuck on the roof.
... if summer takes place the second week of July (and it still rains!!).
... if you know which leaves make good toilet paper.
... if you find -20F a little chilly.
... if the trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.
... if you attended a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your snowmobile boots.
... if shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.
... if you know the 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter, and Construction.
... if the municipality buys a zamboni before a bus.
... if you drink "Vernors" and play "Euchre".
... if you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by.
... if you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Pellston is the coldest spot in the nation.
... if your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March.
... if you instinctively walk like a penquin for five months out of the year.
... if you have worn shorts and a coat at the same time.
... if "vacation" means going up north on I-75.
... if you know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
... if you often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
... if you can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
... if you see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings.)
... if you carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
... if your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.
... if you were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.
... if down South to you means Ohio.
... if a brat is something you eat.
... if your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole barn.
... if you go out to a fish fry every Friday.
... if your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
... if your doctor tells you to drink Vernors and you know it's not medicine.
... if you know what a Yooper is.
... if you know that UP is a place, not a direction.
... if you know it's possible to live in a thumb.
... if you actually understand these references ...
-
Hey.... :guns:
I was born in and raised around New York City....but it's not that bad up here. It is nice to wheel in the Summer and it not be 115 degrees outside...and wheeling in the deep snow is kick ass.
-
wheeling in the snow is the best way to clean your undercarriage..
-
Economic Models explained with Cows
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbor.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened
by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated
general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island
Company, secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven
cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows,
with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United
States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty
times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market
it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country. You still
have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two sheep
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two sheep
The one on the left looks very attractive.
-
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.....so, I took her to a gas station.....
and that's how the fight started....
************************************************** *******
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's how the fight started.
************************************************** **********************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************** *********************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************** *****************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************** **********************
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's how the fight started..... :guns:
:roflol:
-
JJ's always got the good ones.... :roflol:
-
DOCTOR'S STORIES - TRUE!!!!!
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs -and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX.
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Submitted by RN no name
AND FINALLY!!!................
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".
This Dr. wouldn't submit his name
-
wheeling in the snow is the best way to clean your undercarriage..
That or a lawn sprinkler
-
ATM
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE and FEMALE procedures have been developed.
Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender:
MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
-
(http://i383.photobucket.com/albums/oo280/BackWoodsTracker/WealthSpread.jpg)
-
:roflol: but its so true that its :'( :'(
-
The matrix runs on Windows..... (http://www.greenleafdollhouses.com/forum/style_emoticons/default/matrix_2_h4h.gif)
http://www.youtube.com/v/yX8yrOAjfKM&hl=en&fs=1
-
Damn I'd like to get some of that spread but I don't qualify!!! I got a job and would be willing to purchase it, automatic disqualifications. Its only given away to the lazy from what I understand!
-
Its only given away to the lazy from what I understand!
Right next to the government cheese.
-
Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,
"Hello?"
"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle
Paul."
After a brief pause,
Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with
Mommy, Right now."
Brief Pause.
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put
the phone down on the
table, run upstairs And knock on the bedroom door
and shout to Mommy that
Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay, Daddy, Just a minute."
A few minutes later The little girl comes back to
the phone.
"I did it, Daddy."
"And what happened, honey?" He asked.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed With
no clothes on and
ran around screaming.
Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the
dresser And now
she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.
He was all scared and he jumped out of the back
window And into the
swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you
took out the water Last
week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's
dead."
Long Pause
Longer Pause
Even Longer Pause
Then Daddy says,
"Swimming pool? ............
Is this 486-5731?"
No, I think you have the wrong number....... :wine:
-
:roflol: :roflol:
-
The International Council of Man Laws
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and
eaten by his friends.
4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits
forever unless you actually marry her.
5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.
However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At that
point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.
8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask
the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to
climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent
entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your
girlfriend.
10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and
only when it's free.
11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to
kick another guy in the nuts.
12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as
much as the other sports watchers.
16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain
sober enough to fight.
17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza,
but not both, that's just greedy.
18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about
his choice of beer.
19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours,
except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e.,
both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an
almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than
you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if
necessary.
22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' have
carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is
no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs
about what a big mistake it was.
23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her
to drive yours.
24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green,
orange or sky blue.
25: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?'
with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox 360 End of
story.
26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics.
Ever.
27: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definition of each is listed below:
* 'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are you
still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'
* 'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the
ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!'
I hope this clears up any confusion.
The International Council of Man Laws
-
#27 I think is my favorite :lol:
-
Borderline NSFW
http://www.youtube.com/v/BQALeeHWJyE&hl=en&fs=1
-
http://www.youtube.com/v/QwpV7Synl9g&hl=en&fs=1
-
Why did'nt Broom Hilda whare underpants?
To get a better grip on her broom. :roflol:
-
JJ, love the dog video link. Mine twitch and run but not that much!!! If they ever did the chances of me getting it on video would be dismal.
-
Not supposed to be a joke, but I LOL'd!
Big dumb mud truck should have been built with seat belts. (http://video.aol.com/video-detail/adrenaline-rush-hour-adrenaline-rush-hour-monster-truck-flip/1808899052/?icid=VIDLRVENT03)
-
lol a seat belt would have saved all his problems.. except that big "pot hole" lol
-
Not supposed to be a joke, but I LOL'd!
Big dumb mud truck should have been built with seat belts. (http://video.aol.com/video-detail/adrenaline-rush-hour-adrenaline-rush-hour-monster-truck-flip/1808899052/?icid=VIDLRVENT03)
Dude, that was not funny; it was scary! Now, I know it was not smart of him to (1) not wear a seatbealt and (2) try to go out the window like that (not sure he did it on purpose), but that was scary!
-
Something as simple as rolling his window up could have saved him from his mud bath. :confused:
-
Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes and says:
"Nice pigs, sir."
The President replies, "These are not pigs, these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for the Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, and I got one for the Speaker of The House, Nancy Pelosi."
The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes and says, "Excellent trade, sir."
-
An Irishman is sitting at the pub, his name is Seamus.
Seamus is complaining to the pub keep about the people in town.
'I don't understand it, I am a Farmer' he says, 'I have a big bountiful farm, i'm a great farmer, and i have the best crop in the county' 'but no-one ever says, "hey look, there's Seamus the farmer"
'I'm a Family man' says Seamus, 'I have a big beautiful family, and i'm a great father, But no one ever says "hey look there's Seamus the Family man"
'I'm also a soldier in our army, but no one ever says "look, there's Seamus the Honorable soldier"
'but you **** one goat...'
-
:roflol:
-
http://www.youtube.com/v/bxtgLzi-aK0&hl=en&fs=1
I about lost it when the doc tried to hit a homer with the tray.
Funny stuff. :lol:
-
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. He grabs some olives from the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?"
The bartender screams "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the cheeky little beggar. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy..
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."
-
hahaha :lol:
-
(http://i98.photobucket.com/albums/l256/rholmes69/Titan%20Forum/audibmwad.jpg)
-
(http://i98.photobucket.com/albums/l256/rholmes69/Titan%20Forum/audibmwad.jpg)
Hat's off to BMW on this one; Now THAT's good marketing! ROFL!
-
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes
later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few
minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The
bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
'What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!'
'I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush,
something comes up and squeezes my testicles.'
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says...'You
idiot!......................
You're sitting on the mop bucket!'
-
An old country farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night she was always complaining about something.
The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again.
Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head.
Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'
'And what about the men?' the minister asked.
'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale. :wall:
-
A young man goes into the Job Center in downtown Taylorsville and sees a card
advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
Interested, he goes to learn more; 'Can you give me more details?' he
asks the clerk.
The clerk pulls up the file and says, 'The job entails getting the
ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their
underwear, help them lie down comfortably, carefully wash their Personal
and Private area, apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub
in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.
There's an annual salary of $65,000, but you're going to have to go to
Albuquerque , New Mexico . That's about 475 miles from here.'
'Good grief, is that where the job is?'
'No sir --- that's where the end of the line is right now. :lol:
-
Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? :baffled:
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: :2finger:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A -R -D-W-O -R -K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
And:
K -N -O -W-L -E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But ,
A-T -T -I -T -U -D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B -U -L -L -$ -H-* -T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far A$$ kissing Will take you.
A-$ -$ -K -I -S-S -I -N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 127%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bull$h*t and A$$ kissing that will put you over the top. :D:cheeky1::cheeky1:
-
TOOLS EXPLAINED BY AN ENGINEER
>
>
> DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
> flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
> chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted
> vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where
> nothing could get to it.
>
> WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
> under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
> hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to
> say, 'Oh s#@t' (http://mailto:s#@t')
>
> ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
> holes until you die of old age.
>
> SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
>
> PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the
> creation of blood-blisters.
>
> BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert
> minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
>
>
> HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
> principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
> motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
> dismal your future becomes.
>
> VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off
> bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to
> transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
>
> OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
> flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease
> inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
>
> TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch
> wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
>
> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
> after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
> handle firmly under the bumper.
>
> BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops
> to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit
> into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of
> the outside edge.
>
> TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile
> strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
>
> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
> lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil
> on your shirt, but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
> STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used
> to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
>
> PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
> bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50-cent part.
>
> HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
>
> HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
> is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
> adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
>
> UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
> cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on
> contents such as leather seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic
> bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic
> parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while
> in use.
>
> DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the
> garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most
> often, the next tool that you will need.
-
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent..
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
5. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
6. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."
7. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
8. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
9. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
10. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
11. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"
12. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
13. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
14. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
15. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
16. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
17. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
18. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
19. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.
20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
-
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this
absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the
husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks
away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a
divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a
divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in
Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Porsche or X-Type Jaguar
in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on
his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
-
:lol:
-
Mike was attending his 4x4 truck club's monthly meeting and had just
> told them he couldn't make the camping trip scheduled for the next day
> because his wife wouldn't let him go.
>
> After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his
> fellow
> 4x4 friends Mike left to go back home to his wife.
>
> When Mike's friends started arriving to set up camp the next day, who
> should be there but Mike, sitting up in front of his truck, tent up,
> fishing rod in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of
> coals.
>
> "How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Mike?"
>
> "I didn't have to" was Mike's reply.
>
> "When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with
> a beer to drown my sorrows. Then my wife snuck up behind me and
> covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'!"
>
> When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful
> see-through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me
> to the bed and you can do whatever you want."
>
> "So here I am!"
>
-
Awesome! :clap: :roflol: :thumb:
-
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :thumb:
-
(http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51nDCvwD2jL._SL500_AA280_PIbundle-6,TopRight,0,0_AA280_SH20_.jpg)
-
(http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51nDCvwD2jL._SL500_AA280_PIbundle-6,TopRight,0,0_AA280_SH20_.jpg)
How's the taste/texture? :roflol:
-
Somebody actually buys it........ http://www.amazon.com/Heinz-Spotted-Sponge-Pudding-10-Ounce/dp/B000II27QE/ref=sr_1_9?ie=UTF8&s=grocery&qid=1251301600&sr=8-9
-
Somebody actually buys it........ http://www.amazon.com/Heinz-Spotted-Sponge-Pudding-10-Ounce/dp/B000II27QE/ref=sr_1_9?ie=UTF8&s=grocery&qid=1251301600&sr=8-9
Ingredients
Water, Sugar, Wheat Flour, Raisins, Partially Hydrogenated Canola and Palm Oils, Nonfat Dry Milk, Partially Inverted Sugar Cane Syrup, Leaveners (Sodium Diphosphate, Sodium Bicarbonate), Egg Whites, Salt, Spices and Spice Extractives, Natural Flavors.
Seems they left out the main ingredient :naughty:
-
The best is the first user review.....
Heinz Spotted Dick is not really bad as far as Dick in a can goes .... although once you've had real British Spotted Dick in your mouth, this one pales in comparison. At first taste I detected thick notes of custard and subtle hints of spice. Almost salty and sweet at the same time. The texture was not quite as firm as I expected, in fact it was a bit flacid and even wrinkled feeling. The raisins were nice, (albeit a bit small) but I never found more than 2 hanging around in the same bite. I discovered that when hot it becomes engorged and is much firmer, although my Mum would disagree. She used to always say that Spotted Dick, like revenge, is a dish best served cold. Well, WTF does she know anyhow.
Pros - the convenience of Dick in a can
Cons - at the end of the day, it's just Dick in a can
-
:lol: :lol: :roflol: :roflol:
-
(http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51nDCvwD2jL._SL500_AA280_PIbundle-6,TopRight,0,0_AA280_SH20_.jpg)
hilarious by itself not to mention the review which cracked me up.
and it's either the pple at heinz are braindead or this must target a certain market audience
-
It's a British thing....they don't use the word "dick" like we might...they use "cock"....
Spotted dick is a steamed suet pudding containing dried fruit (usually currants), commonly served with custard. Spotted refers to the dried fruit (which resemble spots) and Dick may be a contraction/corruption of the word pudding (from the last syllable) or possibly a corruption of the word dough.[1] Another explanation offered for the latter half of the name is that it comes from the German word for "thick," in reference to the thickened suet mixture. It is a cultural part of English Cuisine.
According to the Oxford English Dictionary, the earliest documented reference is a recipe for "Plum Bolster or Spotted Dick," in Alexis Soyer's The Modern Housewife of Menagere (1850).
-
[...]
The Modern Housewife of Menagere (1850).
well... in that case i understand why it's called that way :roflol:
besides the etymology of course
-
Kanye West is such a nice guy (http://kanyelicio.us/http://www.4bangerjp.com/forums/)
-
Kanye West is such a nice guy (http://kanyelicio.us/http://www.4bangerjp.com/forums/)
Giant D-bag! :guns:
-
http://www.getonmyhorse.com/
-
http://www.getonmyhorse.com/
Gonna have to show this to the wife. We saw this on Attack of the Show, on the G4 channel. We were :roflol:
-
lol.. this took me too long to figure out it is an infinite loop.
-
(http://photos-a.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc3/hs055.snc3/14244_540878470168_211702933_32409169_5499787_n.jpg)
-
suicidal tendency...lol :roflol:
-
http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1794889
-
(http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/12/epic-fail-eco-board-game-trivia-fail.jpg)
-
http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?t=120921191
-
http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?t=120921191
:yikes: :roflol: shoulda just :crap: in a public toilet. Why does he always have a pee bottle? What am I missing there?
-
:yikes: :roflol: shoulda just :crap: in a public toilet. Why does he always have a pee bottle? What am I missing there?
obviously it's a joke, or if it's real the guy has serious problems (one of them could be the fact that he can fit his erected thingy in a water bottle :lol: , or maybe he's drinking his own piss).
i mean he took the time to draw all that in paint - wannabe comic book or something.
-
HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
=0 A
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct.......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
-
HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
really freakin' funny.
-
Now THAT is a good essay answer!
-
Did you hear about the new Helen Keller Doll? You wind her up and she bumps into the furniture!
How did Helen Kellers parents punish her? Stuck doorknobs to the walls.
Why didn't Hellen Kellar scream when she fell off the cliff? - She was wearing mittens.
If Helen Keller fell down in the woods, would she make a sound?
-
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up
leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her
around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is
completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of
cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the
entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to
lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount
of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small
bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the
length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the
way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously
masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but
doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his
sensitive side.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while,
she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the
one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?" She turns
to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts
her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off
each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more
creativity, more heat than she has ever known, and even did a few
things she had never done with any other man.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive
guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls
over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into
her eyes, and says...
"Help yourself to any prize on the middle shelf"
-
HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOKOKAY – LET’S BEGIN;
1.Make sure your Recycle Bin is empty
2. Open a new file in your computer.
3. Name it 'Barrack Obama'.
4. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
5. Empty the Recycle Bin.
6. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barrack Obama?'
7. Firmly Click 'Yes.'
8. Feel better?
GOOD! - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi
-
HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOKOKAY – LET’S BEGIN;
1.Make sure your Recycle Bin is empty
2. Open a new file in your computer.
3. Name it 'Barrack Obama'.
4. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
5. Empty the Recycle Bin.
6. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barrack Obama?'
7. Firmly Click 'Yes.'
8. Feel better?
GOOD! - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi
make sure it's not read only like W or you'll need to format the drive
-
lol thats some funny stuff right there! :lol:
-
here's one.
an irish guy walks out of a pub...
-
(http://imagemacros.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/butthurt_report_form.jpg)
-
what did the elephant say to the naked man...
how do you breath outta that little thing.
-
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break? He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So my wife called him an idiot. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.... The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote..
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and the car had an Obama sticker. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age
-
Okay...I like that one! :roflol:
-
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break? He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So my wife called him an idiot. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.... The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote..
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and the car had an Obama sticker. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age
that is beyond hilarious! :roflol: :lol: :clap:
-
(http://blog.makezine.com/201002161123.jpg)
-
Grow a pair....click on the video of the doctor and patient. :clap:
http://natebloch.com/ (http://natebloch.com/)
-
:roflol:
-
Grow a pair....click on the video of the doctor and patient. :clap:
http://natebloch.com/ (http://natebloch.com/)
hilarious
-
That there is funny.......I don't care who you are!
-
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends..so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country. I was not familiar with the backwoods and got lost among the back roads. I arrived an hour late & saw that the funeral director was gone and the hearse was no where in sight. Only the diggers and crew were left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played my heart out like never before for this man with no family or friends. As I played "Amazing Grace" the workers began to weep. We all wept together. Then I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, " I never seen nothin' like that before and I have been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.
-
A young cowboy is hired to take some cattle across state lines.Being his first job he plans his route and takes a dry run to learn the surroundings.A day and a half into his trip he comes across an indian standing on a giant boulder,loin cloth to the side,with a giant diamond cutter hard-on,staring at the ground.
" Indian,what the hell you doin?" asks the young cowboy amazed.
"Me tell um time" said the Indian.
Cowboy thinks bull-shit but has heard some wild Indian storys so he asks "Oh ya Indian,what time is it?"
Indian looks back to the ground and replies "T'sum 1 and 30" . The cowboy looks at his pocket watch,and is amazed , Indian is dead on.
The cowboy heads on and reaches his destination with no problems to turn back and do it all over.On his way back he comes across the Indian again , same spot doing the same thing.
"Hey Indian what time is it?"
-
"T'som 12 an 45 " replied the Indian.Cowboy checked and dead on again.He continued on his was to rest and start his first job telling people about this Indian and his time telling abillities.
Three days later him and cattle in tow come up on the spot where the Indian was before,and sure enough the Indians there,beef stick in hand spankin it like it owed him money.
"Indian , what the hell you doin up there?" yelled the cowboy.
And the Indian screamed "Me windum watch"
-
i literally cried with that. that gets award for joke of the year :clap: :roflol: :lol:
-
:thumb: Thank you,Thank you ,far too kind, I will be here just about every night.
My grandfather told me that when I was a kid,he is half souix.He would say the Indian in the story was a Cherokee,my grandmother was cherokee,He would always tell me "now dont you get caught being a watch winder"
Brandon
-
> Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United
> States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie
> down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........
>
> "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."
>
> "Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "
>
> With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the
> distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
>
> There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon
> ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.
>
> "Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."
>
> "Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."
>
> "Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like
> bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
>
> And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within five
> feet, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up,
> and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his
> dying breath:
>
> "Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
>
> "Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it?"
>
> "Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees
>
>
>
> Ees
>
>
>
> Ees
>
>
>
> Ees
>
>
>
> Ees a ham bush...."
:bandit: :lol:
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an old one, but i'm not sure it's on here
3 FBI agents are interviewing for a deep cover job, and they passed all of the tests but there wasn't one that was clearly better for the job than the other two. so the SAIC (Special Agent In Charge) gives them a final test. The SAIC hands the first agent a duty issue glock and says to him, "In that room is your wife, go kill her"
so the agent walks in, and spends a few minutes there before returning, and he comes out sobbing "i can't do it, i love her too much" SAIC hands the second agent the gun and says "go kill your wife" he disappears, and comes out same story "I can't, she's the love of my life and mother of my children" Finally exasperated, the SAIC hands the last agent the gun and says "go kill your wife" and the guy disappears, returning about 15 minutes later saying "some joker loaded the gun with blanks so i had to beat her to death with a chair."
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another one i love
The Marine Corps is trying to retire some of it's older officers that are close to retirement, but seem to never leave, so they offer to give a retirement pension of $1,000 for every inch between two parts of their body.
the first colonel comes in and says "i'd like to take advantage of this retirement bonus, i'd like the measurement to be from the bottom of my feet to the top of my head,"
the general calls in the medical officer, and the medic measures the distance to be 6 feet. the general writes the colonel a check for $76,000, and the colonel leaves.
the second colonel comes in and says, "i'd like the distance between the bottom of my feet and my hand when extended over my head."
medical officer pulls out his measure and declares, "8 feet, 6 inches" and the general writes a check for $102,000.
the third colonel comes in and says, "i want the distance between the tip of my penis and my testicles"
to which the general replies "are you sure? that won't be much money"
the colonel says "yes sir, i insist"
the colonel drops his pants and the medic pulls his tape measure starting at the tip, and exclaims "OH MY GOD, WHERE ARE YOUR TESTICLES?"
the colonel grins and says "Vietnam"
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(http://teakdoor.com/Gallery/albums/userpics/11338/speeding.jpg)
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Funny but untrue. The sidewinder Air-to-Air heat seeker. I also doubt that the plane would even register the weak signal from a handheld radar gun.
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Funny but untrue. The sidewinder Air-to-Air heat seeker. I also doubt that the plane would even register the weak signal from a handheld radar gun.
i also wonder if the tornado is loaded with Sidewinder missiles
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i also wonder if the tornado is loaded with Sidewinder missiles
The Tornado is compatible with the sidewinder (it can carry 2), so it's possible they did have sidewinders on board. But Jeffy is right, the sidewinder is a heat seaking air-to-air missile (and short range at that), so I doubt the missile locked on to the radar. Now, the Tornado DOES carry the ALARM, which COULD have locked on to the radar gun (however, like Jeffy, I find that MOST unlikely!).
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I just found my wife in a lie today. We were in the car and someone called her cell. She looked at the number and didn't answer it...which is odd to begin with. Someone then called back and left a voicemail. When she called her voicemail, I heard a guy leave her a message...when she got off the phone, I asked her who it was...she said it was one of her girlfriends.
I pretended to believe her. At night I checked her phone logs. She had erased the incoming caller information....but she had sent a text message to some guy...confirming dinner.
So, tonight she went out and I decided to check on her. I decided to park my Lifted '91 Ford Bronco next to the garage and then hide beside it so I could get a good view of the street around the corner when she came home. Crouching beside my truck, I noticed a coolant leak and found it was coming from the back of the right cylinder head.
So…is it likely a cracked cylinder head or possibly just the gasket?
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I just found my wife in a lie today. We were in the car and someone called her cell. She looked at the number and didn't answer it...which is odd to begin with. Someone then called back and left a voicemail. When she called her voicemail, I heard a guy leave her a message...when she got off the phone, I asked her who it was...she said it was one of her girlfriends.
I pretended to believe her. At night I checked her phone logs. She had erased the incoming caller information....but she had sent a text message to some guy...confirming dinner.
So, tonight she went out and I decided to check on her. I decided to park my Lifted '91 Ford Bronco next to the garage and then hide beside it so I could get a good view of the street around the corner when she came home. Crouching beside my truck, I noticed a coolant leak and found it was coming from the back of the right cylinder head.
So…is it likely a cracked cylinder head or possibly just the gasket?
Boy...you got me all wrapped up in that one....was hoping for a good "murdered wife" story in there.... :clap:
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I'd say it's just a gasket. LOL
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(This joke is best told than read; get's a great laugh over and over)
A man was new in a small town and was looking for something to do during the day. He was walking around town when he decided to go to the local zoo.
At the zoo he saw all the animals. He walked by and saw the elephant pin, the lions cage and stopped at the gorilla cage. Above the gorilla cage it said "Gorilla do what you do." Intrigued he got up to the cage and the gorilla was staring at him. He started to jump up and down and so did the gorilla. He scratched under his arm and went 'hoo hoo hoo' and so did the gorilla.
The two of them were having soo much fun goofing around. The man got some dirt in his eye with his pinky and wiped it away with his pinky. Next thing you know, that gorilla become enraged, ripped the bars apart, pounded the man into the ground, and pulled the bars back closed.
A short while later, the zoo keeper was walking by and saw the poor man in a pile on the ground. He asked if the man was ok. The man looked dazed and beaten while responding "I don't know what happened. We were having a good old time. Last thing I remember I was cleaning the dirt out of my eye" which he showed the zoo keeper. The zoo keeper yelled, "No man! You can't do that!". The man looked puzzled and shocked. "That means f-u in gorilla, you pissed him off."
The man was distraught and hurt. I left the zoo and went home to get fixed up and upset with that gorilla.
A few days later, the man was walking back through town contemplating what to do to that gorilla. As he walked by the butchers shop, he saw all the meat hanging in the window. He snapped his fingers and thought, "That's IT!". He walked in the shop and approached the butcher. He asked the butcher for long salami and two of his sharpest knives. The butcher told him that he doesn't sell his knives. The man said “I’ll give you $100 a piece.” The butcher was shocked, but handed him the knives and salami. The man put the knives tucked in back of his pants, and the salami went down the front of his pant leg.
The man returned to the zoo and to the gorilla cage. The gorilla saw the man and looked at him suspiciously. The man started back with jumping up and down. So did the gorilla. He started scratching under his arm and going ‘hoo hoo hoo’. So did the gorilla. The man then pulled out one of the knives and started twirling it around. The gorilla watched him with another suspicious stare. The man then after twirling it around pulled out the second one and handed it to the gorilla. They both started twirling around the knives back and forth whipping them through the air. Next thing you know, the man whipped out the salami from the zipper of his pants, pulled it out with one hand, and went *WHACK* *WHACK* *WHACK* *WHACK* cutting it to bits. The gorilla quickly grabbed his dick looked at the knife, looked at the knife, looked at his dick, and looked at the man’s salami. The gorilla dropped the knife on the ground and rubbed his eye with his pinky.
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(This joke is best told than read; get's a great laugh over and over)
A man was new in a small town and was looking for something to do during the day. He was walking around town when he decided to go to the local zoo.
At the zoo he saw all the animals. He walked by and saw the elephant pin, the lions cage and stopped at the gorilla cage. Above the gorilla cage it said "Gorilla do what you do." Intrigued he got up to the cage and the gorilla was staring at him. He started to jump up and down and so did the gorilla. He scratched under his arm and went 'hoo hoo hoo' and so did the gorilla.
The two of them were having soo much fun goofing around. The man got some dirt in his eye with his pinky and wiped it away with his pinky. Next thing you know, that gorilla become enraged, ripped the bars apart, pounded the man into the ground, and pulled the bars back closed.
A short while later, the zoo keeper was walking by and saw the poor man in a pile on the ground. He asked if the man was ok. The man looked dazed and beaten while responding "I don't know what happened. We were having a good old time. Last thing I remember I was cleaning the dirt out of my eye" which he showed the zoo keeper. The zoo keeper yelled, "No man! You can't do that!". The man looked puzzled and shocked. "That means f-u in gorilla, you pissed him off."
The man was distraught and hurt. I left the zoo and went home to get fixed up and upset with that gorilla.
A few days later, the man was walking back through town contemplating what to do to that gorilla. As he walked by the butchers shop, he saw all the meat hanging in the window. He snapped his fingers and thought, "That's IT!". He walked in the shop and approached the butcher. He asked the butcher for long salami and two of his sharpest knives. The butcher told him that he doesn't sell his knives. The man said “I’ll give you $100 a piece.” The butcher was shocked, but handed him the knives and salami. The man put the knives tucked in back of his pants, and the salami went down the front of his pant leg.
The man returned to the zoo and to the gorilla cage. The gorilla saw the man and looked at him suspiciously. The man started back with jumping up and down. So did the gorilla. He started scratching under his arm and going ‘hoo hoo hoo’. So did the gorilla. The man then pulled out one of the knives and started twirling it around. The gorilla watched him with another suspicious stare. The man then after twirling it around pulled out the second one and handed it to the gorilla. They both started twirling around the knives back and forth whipping them through the air. Next thing you know, the man whipped out the salami from the zipper of his pants, pulled it out with one hand, and went *WHACK* *WHACK* *WHACK* *WHACK* cutting it to bits. The gorilla quickly grabbed his dick looked at the knife, looked at the knife, looked at his dick, and looked at the man’s salami. The gorilla dropped the knife on the ground and rubbed his eye with his pinky.
new favorite! :bow: :roflol:
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Ralph, My neighbor is a "lefty" of sorts (Obama bumper stickers, gung-ho socialized medicine, "guns should be banned", etc.). So last week I put this sign up in my yard after one of his anti-gun rants at a neighborhood cocktail party. The sign wasn't up more than an hour before he called the police and wanted them to make me take down the sign. Fortunately, the officer politely informed him that it was not their job to take such action without a court order and that he had to file a complaint "downtown" first, which would be reviewed by the city attorney to see if it violated any city, county, or state ordinances, which if there was a violation a court order would be sent to the offending party (me) to "remove the sign in seven days". After several weeks he was informed that the sign was legal (by a quarter of an inch) and there was nothing the city could do, which obviously made him madder. I tried to smooth things over by inviting him to go shooting with me and my friends at the hunt club but that seemed to make him even more angry. I then asked him if he wanted to go to a Tea Party rally but again he declined my outreach efforts to bring about a better understanding between political and social opponents.
I am at a loss how to reconcile our long relationship (notice I did not say friendship), any suggestions would be welcome.
(http://lh6.ggpht.com/_6roifxYIFVU/S923Ah0qFBI/AAAAAAAABnY/i-TqU8e6zV0/s800/gun%20ban.jpg)
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Ralph, My neighbor is a "lefty" of sorts (Obama bumper stickers, gung-ho socialized medicine, "guns should be banned", etc.). So last week I put this sign up in my yard after one of his anti-gun rants at a neighborhood cocktail party. The sign wasn't up more than an hour before he called the police and wanted them to make me take down the sign. Fortunately, the officer politely informed him that it was not their job to take such action without a court order and that he had to file a complaint "downtown" first, which would be reviewed by the city attorney to see if it violated any city, county, or state ordinances, which if there was a violation a court order would be sent to the offending party (me) to "remove the sign in seven days". After several weeks he was informed that the sign was legal (by a quarter of an inch) and there was nothing the city could do, which obviously made him madder. I tried to smooth things over by inviting him to go shooting with me and my friends at the hunt club but that seemed to make him even more angry. I then asked him if he wanted to go to a Tea Party rally but again he declined my outreach efforts to bring about a better understanding between political and social opponents.
I am at a loss how to reconcile our long relationship (notice I did not say friendship), any suggestions would be welcome.
(http://lh6.ggpht.com/_6roifxYIFVU/S923Ah0qFBI/AAAAAAAABnY/i-TqU8e6zV0/s800/gun%20ban.jpg)
i'm not sure if this is a joke or you're actually asking for advice
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i'm not sure if this is a joke or you're actually asking for advice
This is the joke thread. :lol:
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(http://img165.imageshack.us/img165/3756/564767330ws6.jpg)
Thinking about trading the jeep in on this :wall: :lol: :drink:
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HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next:
"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.
The teacher held her breath ...
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!"
Then I would say,"It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
"I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth."
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After twenty years as a gynecologist, John decided he wanted to try something new. After mulling over a few different options, he made his decision: he would try being an automobile mechanic. He eagerly signed up for night classes at the local community college and was on his way.
After many months of study, the moment of truth arrived: the final exam. Each student would come to the workshop at a particular time, where they would find a waiting vehicle. Their task was to completely tear down the car's engine, then completely reassemble it. Throughout the procedure, an instructor would be silently monitoring their work so as to give each student an accurate score.
At the appointed hour, John arrived for his exam. As he began to dismantle the engine, John quickly settled into a comfortable working pace. He really felt like he was meant to do this. Once the rebuild was complete, John was very proud of his performance. The instructor told him the scores would be posted in a few days.
Three days later, John went to the school to find out his score. Finding his name in the list of students, John was puzzled to learn he received a score of 150. Confused, he went to his instructor's office to ask for clarification.
"What can I do for you?" asked the instructor.
"It's my exam grade," said John. "I thought you said this was a hundred point exam. Could you please explain my score?"
"Certainly," replied the instructor. "I gave you fifty points for properly dismantling the engine. I gave you fifty more points for properly reassembling the engine. Then I gave you fifty bonus points for doing it all through the muffler."
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and
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Green Bay, Wisconsin (CNN) --Deanna Favre issued a statement yesterday saying, "Those pictures Brett sent to that reporter were meant for me - but you know Brett - they were intercepted!"
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A really hot woman walks into a party and surveys the scene. She notices a handsome man standing by himself with a drink and moves over to make contact. She says "Hi, My name is Carmen".
The man replys " Carmen, that's a beautiful name. Is that a family name?"
The woman explains that she changed her name when she turned 22. "I named myself Carmen after the two things I love best in life - cars and men." Then she asks, "What's your name?"
The man replys "My name is B.J. Titsengolf, and it's a real pleasure to meet you".
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Why Italians pass their handguns down through the family.
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside. " Guido, I wan you lissina me. I wan you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna DA business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man --
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's Up'?"
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A Little Christmas Story
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
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A Little Christmas Story
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
:roflol:
even in anger Santa was still nice, i would have specified which end...
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A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the
sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you
have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over
anytime I want.'
God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the
bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it,
but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a
little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.'
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish
that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels
inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she
cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and
complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.
God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
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5-Minute Management Course
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob , the next-door neighbor..
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob , after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients..'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at t he top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend.
(3 ) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
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The North Dakota Department of government offices claimed a small Bismarck farmer was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.
ND Govt employee: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.
Farmer: Well, there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged worker. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.
ND Govt employee: That's the guy I want to talk to ... the mentally challenged one.
Farmer: That would be me.
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Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump.."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money.
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Blondes Explaining Easter
Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they
could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented.
The first blonde, a Canadian, said "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give
thanks and eat turkey."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and wouldn't let her in.
The second blonde, a Brit, said "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus's birth and exchange gifts."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he wouldn't let her in either.
The third blonde, an American, said she knew what Easter was, and St.Peter said, "So, tell me."
She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus
was having Passover feast with his disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans
arrested him. The Romans hung him on the cross and eventually he died. Then they buried him
in a tomb behind a very large boulder ... "
St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good..."
Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out.
If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of football."
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The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that waste basket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when my client told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!
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haha :eek:
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An elder couple decided to go on vacation to the holy land
While therer the wife suffered and unexpected death
The undertaker visits with the man and says that for $1000 dollars they can send the body back to the states or for $100 he can have the body buried in the holy land
Man "i will have the body sent back to the states
Undertaker " ok but out of curiosity why not save your money and have her burie# here in the holy land"
Man " well honestly i would, but the last person i know buried here rose again in three days, im not willing to take that chance!"
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a man walks into walgreens and looked lost so the cashier walked up to him and asked if she could help him
man "yes, could you tell me which isle has the tampons?'
cashier "its down on isle 4 sir."
the cashier returns back to the register and after a bit the man comes up to check out. he handed the cashier a role of yarn and cotton swabs, the cashier was kinda curious so she ask him "sorry to ask sir but wasnt you looking for tampons?", the man replied "well its goes like this, the other day i asked my wife to pick me up a carton of cigarettes and she brought me back a pouch of tobacco and papers and said its cheaper this way, this outa teach her!"
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So a man walks into a bar where a robot is serving drinks. The man orders a martini and it is the best martini he has ever tasted. The robot asks the man what his IQ is and the man replies 168. So the robot stars to talk about biology, quantum physics and such with the man.
The man leave but decides to go back and test the bartender. He orders another Martini and it tastes incredible. The robot again asks the man what his IQ is in which he replies 100. The robot proceeds to talk about farming and small business.
The man leaves and decides to test the robot one more time and goes back into the bar and orders the same drink with the same results. The robots again asks the man his IQ in which he replies 70. The robot then asks the man if he is sorry that he voted for Obama yet?
.
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How to tell you have OD Green Fever a.k.a. the ‘Jeep Restoration Bug’.
■You look for Jeeps in movies and TV shows and try to identify the model and date of manufacture.
■You set-aside quality time to be spent with your Jeep, and spend more money on it than on your girlfriend.
■You have a replacement part in your garage for every drive component on the Jeep
■Your "Parts Dept." is on blocks behind your house.
■You can be found in the driveway lying under your jeep at 12:50 am
■You want to take things apart and rebuild them, even if they are not broken.
■You complain about everything, but smile when you fix everything yourself.
■Every page of your repair manual has greasy fingerprints.
■You remember part numbers easier than your spouse’s birthday
■You have to fix almost everything yourself because no one has ever worked on a WWII army vehicle.
■You get in your vehicle and are surprised if all of the instruments work.
■You consider starting a vehicle five times in any given minute a routine procedure.
■You can diagnose a "funny" sound coming from the engine compartment and immediately know how much it will cost to fix and exactly what tools you'll need to fix it
■You know a minimum of three long distance numbers to Military Jeep Parts businesses by heart.
■When you have all your credit card numbers memorized
■Your credit card bill usually has more than 6 Jeep related items on it.
■Your wallet is always empty.
■You are constantly broke or soon to be broke.
■You have the monetary equivalent of a Mercedes sedan invested, but your vehicle still looks like it came out of a crate you bought for $50.
■You own a vehicle that weighs 1000 pounds more than when it came off the assembly line because of all the accouterments you’ve added.
■You name your Jeep
■You're constantly getting passed on the highway and don’t mind.
■When you use your ice scraper on the inside of your windshield.
■You get more heat from holes in the floorboards than through the heater vents. Heater vents… What heater vents?
■Radio... what radio?
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Ok not a joke, but:
Mom and Dad come over.
They are sitting in the living room chatting with me.
My cat is playing with his new toy, my dad's cane.
Mom farts.
The cat :yikes: and runs out of the room like his life depended on it.
We :roflol: :roflol: :roflol:
untill we :'( :'( :'(
The end.
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I got sent this one on a mail today...
This conversation was overheard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai. It's too good not to pass along. The conversation went something like this...
Air Defense Radar: "Unknown aircraft at (location unknown), you are in Iranian airspace. Identify
yourself."
Aircraft: "This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace."
Air Defense Radar: "You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!"
Aircraft: "This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up .. I'll wait!"
Air Defense Radar: (no response ... total silence).
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I like that one :thumb:
USMC: :smokes: :pirate:
Iranian Air Defense: :puzzled: :eek:
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A guy just finished skydiver training and is making his first solo jump. After a short freefall he pulls the d-ring and nothing happens. He tries the reserve and same thing, no chute. Starting to panic and getting closer to the ground, he sees someone coming up at him from the ground. As they pass in mid-air he yells "Hey!, you know anything about parachutes?" The other guy yells "No!, you know anything about gas heaters?"
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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
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that's funny, good one.
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Three vampires go into a bar and sit down. The barmaid comes up to take their orders. “What will you, um, gentlemen like tonight?
The first vampires says “I have a mug of blood.”
The second vampire says “I have a mug of blood also.”
The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said “I’ll have a glass of plasma.”
The barmaid writes down the order, walks back to the bar and calls out:
“Two bloods and a blood light.”
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Ha! good one!
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Q: What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
A: Outlaws are wanted.
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A couple of poems for the English majors...
'Twas the night before Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas
Old Santa was p*****
He cussed out the elves
and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats,
ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind
to scrap the whole works!
I've busted my ***
for d*** near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"
what do I hear?
The old lady b******
cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money
The reindeer all fight.
And just when I thought
that things would get better
Those a**holes from the IRS
sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes
if that ain't d*** funny
Who the hell ever sent
Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days
they all are the pits
They want the impossible
Those mean little s****
I spent a whole year
making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...
Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's
No request for them,
They want computers and robots...
they think - I'm IBM!
Flying through the air...
dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys
and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job
there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat a**
and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year
now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde.
I'm going SOUTH for the season!
'Twas the night after Christmas
'Twas the night after Christmas
and all through the trailer,
the beer had gone flat
and the pizza was staler.
The tube socks hung empty,
no candies or toys
and I was camped out
on my old Lay-Z-Boy.
The kids they weren't talking
to me or my wife,
the worst Christmas they said
they had had in their lives.
My wife couldn't argue
and neither could I,
so I watched TV
and my wife, she just cried.
When out in the yard
the dog started barkin',
I stood up and looked
and I saw Sheriff Larkin.
He yelled, "Roy I am sworn
to uphold the laws
and I got a complaint here
from a feller named Claus."
I said, "Claus, I don't
know nobody named Claus,
and you ain't taking me in
without probable cause."
Then the Sheriff he said,
"The man was shot at last night."
I said, "That might have been me,
just what's he look like."
The Sheriff replied,
"Well he's a jolly old feller,
with a big beer gut belly,
that shakes when he laughs
like a bowl full of jelly.
He sports a long beard,
and a nose like a cherry."
I said, "Sheriff that sounds
like my wife's sister Sherri."
"It's no time for jokes Roy"
the Sheriff he said.
"The man I'm describing
is dressed all in red.
I'm here for the truth now,
it's time to come clean.
Tell me what you've done,
tell me what you've seen."
Well I started to lie
then I thought what the hell,
it wouldn't have been the first time
that I've spent New Years in jail.
I said, "Sheriff it happened
last night about ten,
and I thought that my wife
had been drinking again."
When she walked in from work
she was as white as a ghost.
I thought maybe she had seen
one of them UFO's.
But she said that a bunch of deer
had just flown over her head,
and stopped on the roof
of our good neighbour Red.
Well I ran outside to look
and the sight made me shudder,
a freezer full of venison
standing right on Red's gutter.
Well my hands were a shakin'
as I grabbed my gun,
when outta Red's chimney
this feller did run.
And slung on his back
was this bag over flowin'.
I thought he stolen
Red's stuff while old Red was out bowling'.
So I yelled, "Drop fat boy,
hands in the air!"
But he went about his business
like he hadn't a care.
So I popped a warning
shot over his head.
Well he dropped that bag
and he jumped in that sled.
And as he flew off
I heard him extort,
"That's assault with intent Roy,
I'll see ya in court."
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i bailed out near the top, would be spending Christmas reading the poem otherwise.
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A good looking man walked into an agent's office
in Hollywood and said, "I want to be a movie star."
Tall, handsome, and with experience on Broadway,
he had the right credentials. The agent asked,
"What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order
to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to
change your name."
"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name
is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather
by changing my name. Not ever."
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for
years...you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a
name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will
HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to
represent you."
"So be it! I guess we will not do business together,"
the guy said and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER......The agent opens an envelope sent to
his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check
for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would
possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...
Dear Sir,
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an
actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name.
Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused.
You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name
like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about
what you said I decided you were right. I had to change my
name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I
signed with another agent. I would never have made it
without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a
token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely, Dick van Dyke
True story.... (or maybe not...)
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hilarious, seriously :roflol: